this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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