so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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