Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
nutella sex= disaster
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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