gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
