I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
