Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
