So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
