clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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