So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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