she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Drunk is not a location!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
