drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
