Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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