you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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