So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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