haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
