There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
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There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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