Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
