There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
