your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
