No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize