i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
