Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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