Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
