I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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