how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
