I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
