And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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