Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
