tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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