i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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