Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I need moral support for this bender
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
