If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
