I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
