turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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