You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
