I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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