I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
