im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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