You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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