I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How does one acquire holy water?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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