Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
two words: eviction party
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
