im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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