About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
