I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
