So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
