don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
