Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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