dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
