He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
