While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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