my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
