So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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