Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
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I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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