I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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