This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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