I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
