remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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